Have you ever had that moment when you’re cruising through your day, everything’s going fine, and then—BAM!—something happens and you find yourself going from zero to furious in about half a second? Your kid leaves their shoes in the middle of the hallway for the hundredth time, your wife asks an innocent question about your day, or your coworker sends that email with just a touch too much passive-aggression… and suddenly you’re seeing red.
Welcome to the wonderful world of triggers. I’m not talking about gun triggers (though the metaphor is apt), but those emotional buttons that, when pressed, send us spiraling into reactions that seem to bypass our rational brains entirely.
As a dad who’s desperately trying to grow and lead my family well, I’ve come to see my triggers not as embarrassing flaws to hide but as invaluable road signs pointing directly to the work I need to do. They’re like those friends who tell you when you have spinach in your teeth—uncomfortable in the moment, but ultimately a service.
What Are Triggers, Really?
I used to think triggers were just things that annoyed me. But through some painful self-reflection (and a few apologetic conversations with my wife), I’ve learned they’re much more.
Triggers are emotional reactions that are disproportionate to the current situation. They’re when your four-year-old spills milk at dinner and you respond like they’ve just set fire to your tax returns. The intensity doesn’t match the crime.
What’s actually happening in these moments is that the present situation has tapped into an unresolved wound or fear from our past. Maybe your dad always criticized how you did chores, and now when your partner suggests a different way to load the dishwasher, you feel like you’re ten years old again being told you can’t do anything right.
As men, we often default to anger when triggered because it feels powerful and in control—far better than feeling hurt, scared, or inadequate. But beneath that anger usually lies a more vulnerable emotion we’re trying to protect ourselves from.
Why Understanding Our Triggers Matters
I remember one Saturday morning when my son wanted to play catch in the backyard. Instead of being excited for father-son time, I snapped at him because I was in the middle of fixing something in the garage. The look on his face stopped me cold. In that moment, I wasn’t the father I wanted to be.
Later, I realized what happened: I was triggered by the interruption because it echoed a deeper fear of mine—that I’m not productive enough, not accomplishing enough. Being interrupted made me feel like a failure, and I lashed out.
Understanding our triggers matters because:
- They damage our relationships – When triggered, we often hurt the people we love most.
- They control us – Until we understand our triggers, we’re at their mercy.
- They reveal our growth areas – Each trigger points to unhealed parts of ourselves.
- They’re teaching opportunities – How we handle triggers shows our kids how to process emotions.
My Journey to Identifying and Working Through Triggers
Through some hard-earned lessons (and yes, a bit of couples therapy), I’ve developed a process that helps me work through my triggers. I’m still a work in progress—aren’t we all?—but these steps have been game-changers for me.
Step 1: Develop Your Emotional Radar
The first challenge is simply noticing when you’re triggered. For years, I thought I just had a “quick temper” about certain things. Now I recognize the physical sensations that signal I’m being triggered:
- Tightness in my chest
- Clenched jaw
- Sudden heat rising to my face
- That dizzy feeling like my head is floating
- The urgent need to respond RIGHT NOW
Everyone’s trigger signals are different. Maybe you go quiet, or get defensive, or suddenly need to leave the room. Start paying attention to your body’s warning system.
I’ve found that asking myself one simple question helps: “Is my reaction right now proportional to what’s actually happening?” If the answer is no, I’m probably triggered.
Step 2: Create a Pause Button
Once I realized I was getting triggered, my next challenge was figuring out how to stop the runaway train of reaction. I needed a pause button.
For me, it’s taking three deep breaths. Sounds simple, right? But it’s like trying to stop a charging rhino with a feather. That momentary pause, though, creates just enough space between stimulus and response for me to make a choice.
Other pause buttons that work for fellow dads I know:
- Silently counting to ten
- Saying “I need a minute to think about this”
- Physically stepping back or stepping out briefly
- Asking a clarifying question instead of responding emotionally
The goal isn’t to avoid the conversation or situation, but to give yourself space to respond rather than react.
I remember one time when my daughter complained about dinner for the third night in a row. I felt that familiar heat rising, caught myself, and said, “I need a minute.” I walked to the bathroom, splashed water on my face, and returned calmer. Instead of lecturing her about starving children around the world (my go-to triggered response), we had a real conversation about food preferences and compromises.
Step 3: Play Detective with Your Triggers
This is where the real growth happens. When you’re calm (not in the heat of the moment), get curious about your triggers. They’re trying to tell you something important.
I keep a “trigger journal” in my phone where I record:
- What happened just before I got triggered
- How I felt physically and emotionally
- What I wanted to do in response
- What the situation reminded me of from my past
Patterns emerged quickly. I discovered I get triggered when:
- I feel someone is frustrated with me
- Plans change suddenly (control issues, anyone?)
- Fear of missing out
- I’m already stressed and someone needs one more thing from me
The gold is in connecting these present triggers to past wounds. My sensitivity to perceived frustration? Turns out it connects to my experiences as a young dyslexic child and teachers becoming frustrated with me when I asked too many questions because I didn’t understand. My fear of missing out? They stem from major injuries from football where I missed playing in the playoffs and state championship (twice).
Step 4: Rewrite Your Trigger Scripts
Once you understand the storyline behind your triggers, you can begin to change the script.
One of my biggest triggers was my daughter’s procrastination with homework. It would send me into a lecture spiral that benefited no one. The underlying trigger was my fear that she wouldn’t be successful in life if she didn’t develop good habits now.
My old script: “My daughter’s procrastination means she will struggle in school like I did, and I’m failing as a father.”
My new script: “My daughter is still learning time management, just like I am still learning patience. This is normal development, not an emergency.”
Rewriting these scripts takes practice. Sometimes I literally write them down and rehearse the new perspective. Over time, the new script starts to become more automatic.
Step 5: Share the Journey
Here’s what really transformed things for me: I stopped hiding my trigger work. I started talking about it.
One night at dinner, I told my family, “I’ve noticed I get really upset when plans change suddenly. That’s not about you—it’s something I’m working on. If you see me getting tense about schedule changes, you can gently remind me that it’s one of my growth areas.”
This did three powerful things:
- It made me accountable
- It showed my kids that grown men can acknowledge weaknesses and work on them
- It invited compassion rather than defensiveness from my family
My ten-year-old now sometimes says, “Dad, I think this is one of your trigger things,” and while my first reaction is usually “No it’s not!”—she’s almost always right. Kids are perceptive little mirrors.
The Ongoing Work
I’d love to tell you I’ve conquered all my triggers and now float through parenting with zen-like calm. But that would be a lie, and I promised to write this as a fellow seeker, not an expert.
The truth is, I still get triggered. Just last week I snapped at my wife for rescheduling a family event without discussing it with me first. Old triggers don’t disappear completely—they just lose their power over time as we become aware of them.
What’s changed is that triggers no longer derail my entire day or damage my relationships as severely. I recover faster. I repair sooner. I’m more compassionate with myself and others in these moments.
And here’s what I’ve found most surprising: as I’ve gotten more comfortable identifying and working through my own triggers, I’ve become more patient with my kids’ emotional outbursts too. When my daughter has a meltdown about something seemingly minor, instead of getting triggered myself, I can wonder, “What deeper fear or need might this be connected to for her?”
Triggers, it turns out, are not the enemy. They’re more like uncomfortable guides pointing us toward greater wholeness and healing—if we have the courage to follow where they lead.
So the next time you find yourself overreacting to your kid’s messy room or your wife’s innocent question or that email from your boss, remember: this might be the exact opportunity you need to grow into the man, husband, and father you want to become.
The journey continues, fellow fools. Let’s stay focused on what matters.
The Focused Fool Newsletter – Growing as Men. Leading as Father.
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