I think I finally figured out why I’m not as happy as I should be. And no, it’s not because I never became a ninja (still holding out hope) or because my kids treat me like a background character in their personal sitcom. It’s because of math.
The Happiness Equation That Changed Everything
The other day, I came across an idea from Mo Gawdat, former Chief Business Officer at Google X and author of Solve for Happy:
Happiness ≥ Events of your life – Expectations of how life should be
In other words, if your expectations are sky-high but reality doesn’t measure up, you’re in for disappointment. But if you tweak your expectations? Suddenly, life starts to feel a whole lot better.
I don’t know why this hit me so hard, but it did. Maybe because when I think about my most frustrating moments, they usually boil down to my experience not matching my expectations.
Take vacations, for example. A few years ago, I took my family to Hawaii. In my head, it was going to be the perfect getaway—pristine beaches, relaxation, maybe even a profound, life-altering sunset moment. What actually happened? Crowds, overpriced food, and the realization that my kids do not magically behave better just because we’re in a tropical paradise.
Contrast that with random, low-expectation days—a simple meal with friends or a spontaneous hike with the kids. No buildup, no grand vision, just showing up. And somehow, those are the moments that stick with me.
The Power of Presence: How to Actually Become Happier
Gawdat’s equation doesn’t just highlight the gap between expectations and reality—it also points us toward a practical solution: presence.
He suggests that happiness isn’t about lowering expectations to nothing; it’s about shifting our focus from what should be happening to what is happening. Instead of resisting reality, we engage with it fully.
Here’s how Gawdat recommends doing this:
- Awareness of Thought Patterns – Most of our unhappiness comes from living in the past (regret) or future (anxiety). Training ourselves to notice when we’re caught in these patterns is the first step to breaking free from them.
- Gratitude for What Is – We tend to compare reality to our expectations instead of appreciating what we actually have. The more we recognize and appreciate what’s already present, the happier we become.
- Engagement in the Moment – When we’re fully engaged in what we’re doing—whether it’s playing with our kids, working, or eating a meal—our minds don’t have the space to spiral into dissatisfaction.
Gawdat calls this “hacking your brain” for happiness. Instead of chasing an ideal that may never come, we train ourselves to find joy in the moment we’re in right now. By staying present and shifting our focus, we naturally adjust our expectations to align with reality—making happiness more attainable.
So, if happiness is tied to expectations, how do we adjust them without just lowering our standards to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised? That’s where our second thought leader comes in.
The Stoic Secret to Managing Expectations
Enter Epictetus, the ancient Stoic philosopher who basically invented the modern version of “It is what it is.” He wrote:
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.”
Translation: It’s not events that make us miserable—it’s our expectations of how those events should go. If we adjust our perspective, we can change our experience.
This lines up perfectly with Gawdat’s equation. If we can tweak how we frame situations, we shift our happiness levels without changing anything external.
Beyond Happiness: Why Fulfillment Matters More
Lately, I’ve been wondering if happiness is even the right goal. I mean, I love those moments when everything just clicks, but they’re fleeting. And if I’m honest, chasing happiness sometimes feels like trying to grab fog—it’s there, and then it’s gone. So maybe the real question isn’t how can I be happier? but what actually makes life feel meaningful?
That’s where fulfillment comes in. Happiness is fleeting—it’s that quick dopamine hit when things go right. Fulfillment, on the other hand, is the deeper satisfaction that comes from embracing the messy, meaningful parts of life.
I’ve started noticing that some of my hardest moments—the ones where I’d normally be annoyed or exhausted—are also the ones that, in hindsight, feel the most rewarding. Not in the I loved every second of it way, but in the I wouldn’t trade it way. Like bedtime. I used to think success meant getting the kids down quickly and painlessly. Now, I’m starting to wonder if the goal is something bigger.
The Bedtime Wars: A Case Study in Expectation Reframing
Let’s take this from theory to practice with one of my greatest personal struggles: bedtime.
Expectation vs. Reality
Expectation: Kids should go to bed when I tell them to.
Reality: They treat bedtime like an Olympic sport where the goal is to delay lights-out as long as possible.
Using Gawdat’s equation:
Happiness = (Reality of Bedtime) – (Expectations of Bedtime)
If I go in expecting a smooth transition, I’m in for disappointment. But if I accept that kids are wired to resist bedtime (it’s in their DNA), then their antics become less of a personal failure and more of a predictable part of life.
Reframing Bedtime as Fulfillment, Not Just Happiness
Happiness is: Kids falling asleep instantly and peacefully. (Keep dreaming.)
Fulfillment is: Recognizing that bedtime is a long-term process—building routines, teaching self-regulation, and maybe, just maybe, sneaking in a little extra connection time.
Instead of measuring bedtime success by how fast they fall asleep, I can ask myself:
✅ Did I model patience tonight?
✅ Did I avoid turning into the angry bedtime monster?
✅ Did I create a moment of connection?
This doesn’t mean giving up discipline, but rather shifting the goal from immediate compliance to long-term progress.
Tactical Reframing: How I’m Trying to Stay Sane at Bedtime
I’ve tested a lot of different approaches to bedtime—some intentional, some just out of desperation. And while I haven’t cracked the code, I have noticed that how I talk to myself in those moments makes a big difference.
Here are a few mental shifts I’ve been experimenting with:
Instead of “Why won’t they just go to bed?!” I tell myself, “Their little brains struggle with transitions. This is normal.”
Instead of “They never listen,” I try, “Every night is a chance to refine the process.”
Instead of “I’ll never get any time to myself,” I remind myself, “This season is temporary. One day, I’ll miss this (probably).”
Actionable Takeaways (So This Isn’t Just a Mental Trick)
- Lower the expectation, but not the boundary. Expect resistance, but stick to the routine. Consistency beats perfection.
- Make bedtime their choice (kind of). Instead of “Go to bed now,” try “Do you want to hop into bed now, or in five minutes?” A tiny bit of control can reduce resistance.
- Turn it into a connection opportunity. A silly bedtime joke, a book, or a quick chat can make it feel less like a battle.
- Play the long game. Remind yourself that teaching them to sleep well eventually is more important than winning tonight’s battle.
Final Thought
If you expect bedtime to be smooth, you’re setting yourself up for frustration. But if you reframe it as part of raising emotionally stable humans, you might not enjoy it—but you’ll feel more fulfilled.
And at the very least, you’ll start expecting less from vacations.
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