Marriage is hard. But so is running a business, raising kids, or sticking to a diet when there’s a plate of nachos within arm’s reach. Anything worthwhile is going to demand effort. Yet, for some reason, I used to expect marriage to be an exception. I thought if things weren’t always effortless, something must be wrong. But over time, I’ve realized that, like everything else in life, marriage goes through different phases.
Let’s be real—there are times when my wife and I are deeply in sync, finishing each other’s sentences, and laughing at inside jokes no one else understands. Then there are times when we feel like coworkers awkwardly avoiding eye contact at the breakroom coffee machine. And sometimes, it feels like we’re competitors in a game where neither of us actually knows the rules.
The Cycles of Marriage
Marriage, like life, isn’t a straight road. It has peaks, valleys, and the occasional confusing roundabout that makes me question if I’m actually lost. I’ve experienced seasons of tremendous growth and joy, seasons of frustration and loneliness, and plenty of seasons where we were just coasting—neither high nor low, just… there.
One of the most helpful things I’ve learned is that these cycles are natural. I don’t wake up every day bursting with motivation in my work or feeling inspired by every moment of parenting. Why would marriage be any different? Instead of seeing these shifts as signs of failure, I’m trying to see them as signals—indicators of where we are and what might be coming next.
The Growth Spurts
Some seasons in marriage feel like spring—everything is fresh, exciting, and growing rapidly. These are the times when we’re learning together, pushing each other forward, and feeling incredibly connected. Maybe it’s a shared goal, a big life event, or just one of those magical stretches where everything seems to click. These are great seasons, but I’ve come to accept that they don’t last forever—and that’s okay. Growth isn’t constant; it comes in waves.
The Stagnant Middle
Then comes the “meh” phase. The season where everything just feels… fine. No major fights, no major breakthroughs—just life. We have kids, and this season can often mean that we’re both in survival mode, running on caffeine and the remnants of last night’s dinner. Conversations are often abandoned midway because someone needs a snack, fell off the couch, or is suddenly in desperate need of assistance finding their left shoe.
It’s easy to panic in this phase and think, “Is something wrong? Are we drifting apart?” But I’ve started to believe that this is just another part of the cycle. Like a field lying fallow before the next planting season, these times are necessary. They might feel dull, but they’re often the space where deeper work happens. And let’s be honest—if my wife and I can manage to finish a conversation without being interrupted, that’s basically a big win.
The Challenges
A few years ago, I hit one of the biggest challenges in my marriage. After our third child was born, I realized I was deeply unhappy at work and wanted to change careers. I was restless, and my wife was stressed about the unknown. What if it didn’t work out? What if we were making the wrong decision? We kept having the same arguments, going in circles without any real resolution. Finally, we decided to see a therapist, which helped us improve our communication and understand each other’s fears better. It didn’t magically fix everything overnight, but it gave us the tools to navigate uncertainty together rather than against each other.
That experience taught me something important—challenges don’t mean something is broken; they mean something is shifting. Those difficult seasons—the fights, the misunderstandings, the moments where I question if we’re really on the same team or just playing different games—are inevitable. But I’ve come to believe they are also crucial.
Growth doesn’t happen in a vacuum—it happens under pressure. Just like muscles need resistance to get stronger, marriages need challenges to deepen. Some days, you’re crushing personal records; other days, you’re just trying not to drop the bar on your face. Marriage is the same way—you won’t always be at peak performance, but showing up is what builds lasting strength. When my wife and I go through these hard times, I try (keyword: try) to remind myself that these struggles are setting the stage for something new. If we navigate them well, they’ll push us into a new season of connection and understanding. And if we embrace them, they’ll make us better.
Choosing Each Other—Every Day
So, what do I do? How do I handle these shifts without losing my mind? The best thing I’ve learned is this: choose my spouse, every single day. Some days, that choice feels effortless. Other days, it feels like a workout I really don’t want to do—but I know skipping it will just make things worse.
Marriage isn’t about always feeling the same level of passion or excitement—it’s about showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. It’s about being teammates, even when I’m mad at my teammate. It’s about realizing that a tough season doesn’t mean failure; it means I’m in the middle of a bigger process.
Embracing the Journey
The next time you hit a rough patch with your spouse, try to remind yourself: “This is part of the cycle.” Instead of pulling away, lean in. Ask yourself, “How can I grow through this? How can we grow through this?”
And most importantly—try to choose your partner. Again and again. Because the seasons will keep changing, but your commitment to weathering them together? That’s what makes the difference.
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