Have you ever felt like you’re just going through the motions?
Like you’re checking boxes on someone else’s to-do list for your life? I know I have. For years, I was climbing a ladder that was leaning against the wrong wall. I had a good job, a nice home, and all the trappings of success, but something was missing. I wasn’t truly happy, and more importantly, I wasn’t fully present for my family in the ways that mattered most.
That all changed when I finally got honest with myself about what I really wanted from life. Not what society expected of me. Not what my colleagues were pursuing. What I wanted.
It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? “Know what you want, then figure out how to get it.” But this deceptively straightforward idea has been the foundation of every meaningful change in my life, including the creation of this very newsletter.
Why We Struggle to Know What We Want
But getting clear on what you want isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Let’s be real for a moment. Most of us aren’t taught how to figure out what we truly want. From an early age, we’re guided toward conventional paths: get good grades, go to college, find a stable job, buy a house, start a family… rinse and repeat.
Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of these things. The problem arises when we pursue them on autopilot, without questioning if they align with our deepest values and desires.
I spent years chasing promotions and paychecks because that’s what successful people do, right? But with each step up the corporate ladder, I found myself with less time for my kids and more stress that followed me home. The Sunday night dread became a constant companion, and I started to wonder: “Is this really what success is supposed to feel like?”
The cost of not knowing what you want is steep. It’s measured in years spent pursuing goals that don’t fulfill you, relationships that suffer from your divided attention, and the quiet ache of potential left untapped.
My Turning Point
For me, clarity came during a particularly hectic work period that had me missing soccer games and bedtime stories. My oldest son asked if I could come to his school presentation, and I automatically started to explain why I probably couldn’t make it. The disappointment in his eyes hit me like a physical blow.
In that moment, I realized something profound: I didn’t want to be the dad who was too busy for the moments that matter. I wanted the freedom to be present for my family. I wanted work that energized rather than drained me. I wanted to help others avoid the same trap I’d fallen into.
That realization – that crystal clear understanding of what I truly wanted – became my north star. It led me to reimagine my career, develop new skills, and eventually start The Focused Fool newsletter. I wanted to work from anywhere, on my own terms, so I could travel with my family and be present when my kids needed me most. I also craved purpose beyond a paycheck – the chance to serve others, particularly fellow dads navigating similar challenges.
Once I knew what I wanted, figuring out how to get there became a puzzle to solve rather than an insurmountable obstacle. Not easy, certainly, but doable with persistence and creativity.
How to Discover What You Really Want
So how do you get clear on what you truly want? Here’s what worked for me:
Create space for reflection. Our lives are so noisy that we can barely hear ourselves think, let alone listen to our deeper desires. Start by carving out regular time for quiet reflection – even 15 minutes of journaling or meditation can reveal surprising insights when practiced consistently.
Ask better questions. Instead of “What should I do with my life?” try questions like:
- What activities make me lose track of time?
- When do I feel most alive and engaged?
- If money were no object, how would I spend my days?
- What would I regret not doing or becoming when I look back on my life?
- What problems do I feel drawn to solve?
Notice the difference? The first question invites your inner critic to the conversation. The others bypass your logical brain and speak directly to your heart.
Pay attention to envy. This might sound counterintuitive, but our envy can be informative. When you find yourself envious of someone else’s life or achievements, ask yourself: “What specific aspect am I envious of?” Often, it’s not their material possessions but their freedom, impact, relationships, or creative expression that triggers our envy. This can reveal what we truly value.
Examine your recurring daydreams. What do you fantasize about when your mind wanders? These daydreams aren’t random – they’re windows into your deeper desires.
For me, I kept imagining working from a laptop while my kids explored a beach nearby. I pictured conversations with other dads who were implementing ideas from something I’d written. These weren’t just pleasant fantasies – they were clues pointing to what I really wanted.
Figuring Out the “How”
Once you know what you want, the next step is figuring out how to get it. This is where a lot of people get stuck—but it doesn’t have to be complicated:
Break it down. Big dreams can feel overwhelming. The key is to shrink them into bite-sized steps. When I realized I wanted location independence, I didn’t quit my job the next day. I still work full-time. But I’ve started laying the foundation—researching remote opportunities, developing marketable skills, building savings, and testing my ideas through The Focused Fool newsletter, one early morning at a time.
Learn from others who’ve done it. Whatever your goal, someone has already walked the path. I’ve leaned heavily on books, podcasts, and direct conversations with people building the kind of life I’m working toward. Their experiences help me avoid common traps and spot smarter routes.
Embrace imperfect action. Waiting for the perfect plan is a recipe for staying stuck. I’m learning as I go. Each article, each podcast episode, each subscriber teaches me something—what works, what doesn’t, and what to try next. The goal is progress, not perfection.
Build support systems. You can’t do it alone—not for long. I’ve shared my goals with a few trusted people who cheer me on when the energy dips. That support matters. So does being part of a like-minded community—people who remind you that you’re not crazy for wanting something more.
Expect resistance—and prepare for it. Change is hard. I still wrestle with fear, doubt, and the pull of old routines. And not everyone in your life will understand why you’re pushing for something different. That’s normal. The key is to recognize resistance for what it is—and keep going anyway.
The Ongoing Journey
Here’s something important to remember: knowing what you want isn’t a one-time exercise. As you grow and evolve, your desires may shift too. The process of discovery and implementation becomes a cycle that continues throughout life.
For me, starting this newsletter was just one step in my larger journey. I’m not there yet—I still juggle a full-time job while building this vision in the early hours—but every step forward makes the next one feel more possible. As The Focused Fool has grown, my vision has expanded too. I’m constantly refining what I want and adjusting my approach to get there.
The beauty of this process is that it gets easier with practice. You develop a better understanding of yourself, more confidence in your ability to create change, and greater resilience when facing obstacles.
Your Turn
If you’re feeling stuck or unfulfilled, I encourage you to start with this fundamental question: What do you really want?
Not what you think you should want. Not what would impress others. What would truly bring you joy, purpose, and fulfillment?
Once you have even a glimmer of an answer, you can begin figuring out how to make it happen.
Remember, transformation doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a series of small decisions and actions that gradually shift your life’s direction. But it all begins with that crucial first step: knowing what you want, then figuring out how to get it.
I’d love to hear about your journey. What do you want, and what first step will you take to get there?
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The Focused Fool Newsletter – Growing As Men. Leading As Fathers.
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