As men on the path of self-improvement, we often encounter behaviors, habits, or patterns we wish to change. But before we can transform them, we must first understand them. One of the most powerful tools in this journey is uncovering the stories we tell ourselves—the narratives that explain, justify, or rationalize our actions (or lack thereof). These stories can serve us well, but they can also hold us back. By discovering, questioning, and reframing them, we can unlock new levels of growth and purpose.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Everyone has an internal dialogue, a running script that interprets the world and our place in it. These stories are born from past experiences, cultural influences, and our self-perception. They’re not inherently bad; they provide meaning and coherence to our lives. But sometimes, they’re incomplete, distorted, or overly negative, limiting our potential.

For example, I tell myself, “I have an entrepreneurial spirit.” On the surface, it sounds positive—a badge of creativity and ambition. But lurking beneath that story is a pattern: I come up with countless ideas yet rarely follow through. By framing this behavior as part of my entrepreneurial identity, I was unconsciously giving myself permission to avoid the hard work of seeing things through to the end.

How to Discover the Stories

  1. Notice Repeated Patterns: Pay attention to behaviors or habits that recur in your life. Are you consistently procrastinating, avoiding conflict, or giving up too soon?
  2. Listen to Your Self-Talk: Reflect on what you say to yourself in challenging situations. Are there phrases you often repeat, like “I’m just not good at this” or “That’s just who I am”?
  3. Ask “Why?” Five Times: For every action or reaction, dig deeper by asking “why” repeatedly. This helps uncover the root story behind your behavior. For instance, if you find yourself avoiding an important task, you might start with, “Why am I procrastinating?” Perhaps the answer is, “Because it feels overwhelming.” Then ask, “Why does it feel overwhelming?” Maybe it’s because “I don’t feel confident in my skills.” By continuing to peel back the layers, you might discover a deeper story, such as “I’m afraid of failing, so I avoid starting.” This process illuminates the underlying beliefs driving your actions.
  4. Seek Feedback: Sometimes, we’re too close to our own narratives to see them clearly. Trusted friends, mentors, or even a coach can offer insights into the patterns they observe.

How Stories Hold Us Back

Our stories can become self-fulfilling prophecies. If I tell myself I’m an idea person who struggles with follow-through, I’m reinforcing that identity every time I abandon a project. The story shapes my actions, which in turn reinforce the story. This cycle can prevent us from taking risks, pursuing growth, or breaking free of limiting habits.

Reframing the Narrative

The good news is that we can rewrite these stories. Reframing doesn’t mean ignoring reality or pretending weaknesses don’t exist. It means choosing a perspective that empowers us to act, learn, and grow.

Here’s how I’ve reframed my own story:

Instead of, “I have an entrepreneurial spirit, so I’m always chasing new ideas and can’t stick with one thing,” I tell myself, “My entrepreneurial spirit thrives when I use new ideas as fuel to achieve focused goals.”

To put this into practice, I set a clear goal for my current project and tie my next idea to its completion. If I’m excited about exploring a fresh concept, I’ll channel that energy into working harder to finish what’s in front of me. Does it always work? Not perfectly. Sometimes I have to adjust the goal or recalibrate my approach. But even imperfect progress beats stagnation.

Steps to Reframe Your Stories

  1. Identify the Story: Write down the narrative that’s shaping your behavior. Be honest and specific.
  2. Challenge Its Validity: Ask yourself: Is this story completely true? Is it the only way to see the situation? What evidence contradicts it?
  3. Create a New Narrative: Replace the limiting story with one that aligns with your values and goals. Focus on empowerment and action. For example, if you’ve been telling yourself, “I’m not a morning person, so I’ll never have a productive start to my day,” you could reframe it as, “I can create a morning routine that works for me and sets me up for success.” By shifting the narrative, you open the door to intentional actions, like starting with small, achievable morning habits to build momentum.
  4. Act on the New Story: Test your reframed narrative by taking small, intentional steps. Build confidence by proving to yourself that change is possible.
  5. Reflect and Adjust: Regularly revisit your progress and tweak the story if needed. Growth is a dynamic process.

Embracing Imperfection

Reframing doesn’t mean you’ll never stumble. I’m still learning to balance my enthusiasm for new ideas with the discipline to see projects through. But every time I recognize and rewrite a limiting story, I’m one step closer to becoming the man, husband, and father I strive to be.

Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being purposeful. The stories we tell ourselves are powerful. Let’s make sure they’re driving us toward growth, not holding us back.