If you have kids, you’ve probably heard the phrase, “Dad, watch this!” more times than you can count. Usually, it’s followed by a leap from a questionable height or some feat of questionable logic, and you’re left holding your breath and praying silently that the ER isn’t about to become your second home.
But behind those heart-stopping moments lies something profound: confidence. Pure, unfiltered, and beautifully reckless confidence. Watching my kids made me realize something crucial—confidence isn’t just about cheering from the sidelines; it’s about what’s happening on the inside.
I’ve been on a personal quest (and, spoiler alert: I’m still on it) to understand and build real, lasting confidence—not just for my kids but for myself. I quickly realized that just praising my kids for everything they did wasn’t effective—it might even be dangerous. Watching older kids become unhappy or uncertain until they received external praise showed me how harmful it could be if a child’s self-worth depended entirely on external affirmation. Genuine confidence isn’t loud or boastful. It’s quiet. Steady. It’s a trust in yourself that comes from within rather than applause or likes on social media.
Research backs this up. According to child psychologist Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, building internal confidence in children helps them navigate life’s ups and downs far better than external praise alone. (Read more about her insights here).
Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore addresses the potential pitfalls of excessive external praise in her work. In her book Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-Esteem, she discusses how previous efforts to boost children’s self-esteem through constant external validation—like giving every child a trophy—were misguided and counterproductive. Such approaches can lead to narcissism, reduced empathy, depression, and anxiety.
Dr. Kennedy-Moore emphasizes that authentic self-confidence arises from internal sources, such as developing relationships, perseverance, learning skills, and finding one’s own value and voice, rather than relying solely on external praise.
So, how do we cultivate this type of confidence? As it turns out, the best place to start is with ourselves. Here are five ways I’ve found effective in building my own confidence—methods I’m now intentionally modeling for my kids.
1. Building Competence: Skills That Speak Louder Than Praise
When my youngest son started questioning me about how houses are built, I realized the depth of his faith in my knowledge (pressure much?). As a construction project manager, I continuously sharpen my skills—taking classes, reading books, and even pursuing a Master’s degree. Each step forward in knowledge boosts my internal confidence.
Seeing me study, learn, and grow reinforces to my kids that competence—and the effort behind gaining it—is worth more than quick praise. I’m showing them that confidence comes from mastery, not validation.
2. Strength Inside and Out: Physical Fitness Builds Mental Confidence
Have you ever walked out of the gym feeling like Thor after wielding Mjölnir, even if the reality is more like you’ve barely survived the treadmill? Physical fitness has an uncanny way of boosting our internal confidence. When I’m physically strong, I carry myself differently—I talk, walk, and interact with greater self-assuredness.
My kids notice when I’m active, healthy, and energetic. Without saying a word, I’m showing them that treating your body well creates a powerful internal belief in your abilities.
3. Facing Fears: Courage Is Confidence in Action
Confession time: signing up for my first triathlon scared me to death. Riding mountain bikes with people far better than me? Equally terrifying. But facing those fears head-on transformed my confidence. By completing difficult tasks that scare me, I continuously prove to myself that I’m capable of more than I thought.
When my kids witness me tackling fears—be it work projects outside my comfort zone or athletic challenges—I become a living lesson: Confidence isn’t about never being afraid; it’s about being scared and doing it anyway.
4. Trust Starts at Home: Keeping Promises to Yourself
Here’s a trap I fell into far too often: setting lofty goals, missing them, and gradually losing trust in myself. Imagine a friend who promises to help you move but doesn’t show up—eventually, you stop relying on them altogether. I was that friend to myself.
Everything changed the moment I began consistently following through on commitments. I started by setting smaller, achievable goals that built confidence through steady wins. Over time, this habit of following through strengthened, enabling me to tackle larger commitments, like waking up early for workouts or consistently publishing three articles per week for this newsletter. Keeping promises to myself has created quiet, unwavering confidence. My kids see firsthand that discipline isn’t punishment; it’s self-respect in action.
5. Making Friends with Failure: The Hidden Key to Growth
Failure used to haunt me, a personal boogeyman hiding behind every ambitious goal. But now, I’ve befriended it. Just like lifting weights, growth happens at the point of failure. If I’m always winning, I’m not challenging myself enough.
My kids watch me fail—whether it’s losing a race or struggling with a difficult task—and how I respond. I’m teaching them failure isn’t the enemy; it’s essential feedback signaling where growth can occur.
Modeling Confidence for My Kids
Kids mimic what we do more than they listen to what we say. If I want my kids to develop genuine, resilient confidence, they need to see me live it daily.
I encourage my kids to try new skills, from cooking to sports, knowing mistakes will happen. When they inevitably falter, we celebrate the attempt and discuss ways to improve next time. I’m transparent about my own learning curves, openly sharing when things are hard and how I plan to improve.
When my daughter struggles in soccer, I remind her gently: true confidence comes from within. It’s not the trophies that matter; it’s knowing you showed up and gave your best. Her internal pride grows quietly and steadily, building an internal foundation far stronger than any external praise.
The Crescendo of Quiet Confidence
Confidence doesn’t shout, brag, or beg for approval. Real confidence quietly whispers, “I’ve got this,” even when everything around you feels uncertain. By building internal confidence in ourselves, we’re equipped to model it for our kids, helping them grow into resilient, grounded adults.
Next time your kid yells, “Dad, watch this!” pause and consider what’s really happening. Behind their fearless leap is a moment of courage—a moment of confidence—that you helped foster. And while you might still hold your breath as they jump, you’ll also smile, knowing you’ve quietly equipped them with something powerful and lasting: confidence from within.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a mountain bike ride planned tomorrow morning with some guys who are way better than me—and I’m equally thrilled and terrified. Confidence awaits!
The Focused Fool Newsletter – Grow as Men. Lead as Fathers.
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